Forgiveness: ask and offer

This is Part Four in a series in which I'm taking off the Consultant’s hat off for a bit in order to let the Parent’s hat show through. Being a dad of four, it is ground I’ve covered for several years, though with no shortage of shortcomings and mistakes.   As a school leader, I’ve been around even more of what comes with helping kids grow up. Here at Christmas, I’ve brought my own experience in more than usual, and that experience includes spiritual dimensions which are an important part of my own reality. I hope these posts may be of some interest, and perhaps a slight bit of help. {Part One} {Part Two} {Part Three} {Part Five}

This part of the series is probably the easiest to say and hardest to do among the five. Forgiveness is the topic. There is so much of good parenting, psychological well-being, and the core of spiritual life wrapped within its rich layers.

Certainly children learn some of what they want to be as parents from their own, as well as learning some of what they don’t want to be. But ironically, the more they don’t want to repeat the way they were parented, the more likely it is that they will do so. These are the cycles of dysfunction and sin in the life of a family, be it outright abuse or just immature and self-centered parenting.

So when we fail in our parenting, we cannot dismiss it as simply the ‘stuff’ our children will learn not to do with their own kids. BUT, this does not mean we pretend that we can do most everything right as we relate to our children. We’re human, we’re sinful, we fail. That’s where asking for forgiveness comes in.

Think what we model for our kids when we ask forgiveness: at a young age, it’s good for them to know that their model for everything is not perfect; as they get older, it’s good for them to know that we know we aren’t perfect, because they certainly know it. Also, we show them what to do about mistakes – sure, work to learn from them and correct what you can but, even more, know that you can be forgiven. They must know that for themselves.

There’s not ‘pretend’ perfection; there’s not a sentence into the bondage of performance as the basis of my worth and value as a person; there’s not a relational standard set where we have to treat each other just right or relationship will be broken. Relationships are maintained through humility, grace and forgiveness.

If our children never see repentance and forgiveness in their interaction with us, they can still understand it from God, but it’s a much tougher road to follow when parents haven’t even begun to show the way.

Finally, what sort of forgiveness do we offer to our children? We can be so easily tempted to hold it over them, to passively aggressively manipulate them, to withhold our own full love and affection and delight as a carrot and stick to prod for good behavior. But, in the simplest terms, it doesn’t work and it fails to follow the loving example of God.

To offer forgiveness means to freely give it. If our children don’t fully receive it, they miss much of the power and healing which forgiveness brings.   But our offer is not contingent upon them earning it.

As parents, we lovingly allow our children to experience consequences of their choices, but we give ourselves for our children’s good, paying the price which they are unable to pay. Forgiveness, asked for and offered freely.