I wish I were speaking in the past tense!

(What a weird Thanksgiving posting, but maybe one you can relate to.)

I do. I really do. I wish I were writing this in the past tense.

I so wanted to write this looking back on how hard it was, and being so thankful I’m talking about something in my past. But it’s not in my past.

Do you ever have a trial that you so wish was past, but is present for you?

It’s hard, and it’s hard now. Present tense. Real hard. Real now.

And it’s Thanksgiving. We’re on break. With family. Sharing blessings. And THIS is in the middle of it.

Pretty dramatic. Overly so. Don’t assume the worst. I sound like I’m dying. I’m not.

I hurt a lot from a back and nerve condition. I’ve hurt a lot for 6 months now. I sleep two hours at a time, maximum. That makes it a lot worse. The not sleeping. Sitting down doesn’t work more than 10 minutes at a time. I’m tired of standing. Really, really tired. I hurt then, too.

As problems go, it’s not big time, major, critical. Yet I experience it in pain and exhaustion, night and day, and sometimes it feels so big. My concentration. My happiness in the moment. All challenged.

I thought it would have a finite experience curve. Hurt, treat, recover. Maybe it does. Maybe it will take 8 months along with a few injections and a decent amount of physical therapy. Maybe it will take a small surgery. Maybe. I don’t know. I wanted it to be past tense.

Dealt with. Challenge met. Thankful it’s over.

That’s the point here. I want to be thankful it’s over. I don’t want to find thankfulness in the middle of it.

I don’t mean thankfulness for it. I won’t get into that. I’m not sure if biblically that’s a thing or not. Thankfulness for stuff we hate and think is bad. Seeing the bigger picture and being thankful and humble and surrendered. I can make the case, but I’m still not sure if that’s a real Christian thing or not.

But I don’t mean that here. Not thankful FOR it but thankful IN it. I am quite sure that’s a thing, a Christian thing, a Bible thing. The kind of thing that God can make real in my life.

But I so fight against that, too. I so want to be thankful it’s finished. Thankful now, but really in the past tense. Thankful for what I don’t have to face anymore.

That’s the kind of thing I want to be thankful for. That’s what I want to be writing about for Thanksgiving. That’s what I want to be experiencing for Thanksgiving. And it’s not.

It’s not past. It’s not gone. It’s here. It’s real. It’s now. And it hurts.

I do want to know Him in the dark night of the soul. I want to experience Him when I hurt, in the hurt. Body, mind, or spirit. Hurting. And knowing Him closer than a whisper. Knowing His love, and His hurt.

Knowing Jesus led out through all that suffering. The biggest, hardest, darkest, worst cross there ever was, because it carried the very wrath of God. Separation in the eternal fellowship of the trinity.

On it, Jesus bore my sin and yours. His body didn’t hurt more than any body ever could. (Certainly more than mine is hurting now, but not hurting in His body more than any human could hurt. Not romanticized. Not mythologized. Real.) He bore more hurt than anyone ever did or could. He bore all there was to bear. He led out in hurting for me.

I really don’t want that to be past tense. I really don’t want to be thanking Him for the past. I really do want to be thanking Jesus in the present for the present, past and future. Thanking Him as He bears my hurt.

I really do want my Thanksgiving to be about that, rather than interrupted by that. Distracted by that. Ruined by that. Instead, deepened by that. Fulfilled by that. Made the most real because of Him.